On a practical basis, a simple hole in the ground is more than enough mechanism to process a dead body. But even that's a bit extravagant. It's more ecologically efficient to let carrion birds pick clean your bones.
But we're human beings, dammit! We've developed an extensive mythos around death (and its aftermath). Pragmatism just doesn't cut it.
Embalming is the art of preserving a dead body, either temporarily or permanently. Once, embalming was considered to be strictly the purview of sober, top-hat-wearing professionals with a morbid streak.
Today, thanks to progressive cable programming such as Six Feet Under, we know that embalming is the purview of neurotic sex maniacs who are hilariously obsessed with death and habitually demean the dead bodies they process.
The art of embalming has a rich and vibrant history, but we assume you're more interested in the gory details. So let's start with a quick "do-it-yourself" guide.
Keep in mind that you should frequently disinfect surfaces as you work. Wear rubber gloves and an apron. You'll probably want goggles in case you get something wrong. If you're working for a respectable funeral home, you're supposed to wear a respirator.
Step One: Find a corpse. You can find corpses just about anywhere people are dying, or you can make your own (recommended).
Step Two: Put the corpse on an embalming table. This is a steel or enameled table with a handy trough around the edges to drain off stray bodily fluids.
Step Three: Strip the body naked.
Step Four: Make a careful list of jewelry and valuables, which should be removed from the body before the embalming proceeds. If you're a professional mortician, you will use this list to return said valuables to the family. If you're an unprofessional mortician, well, keep in mind that bereaved people have the adrenalin-fueled strength of ten non-bereaved people. Be discreet.
Step Five: Shut the mouth of the deceased. Try not to make the corpse look stupid.
Step Six: Stretch out the limbs of the dead person. By playing with the arms and legs you will break up the rigor mortis. Have fun with this process, but remember to arrange the limbs in a simple, tasteful way when you're done. Unless you're a jerk, then just do whatever.
Step Seven: Pick the flavor of embalming fluid you would like to use. Embalming fluids are basically formaldehyde solutions, but they can be bleached to brighten up that deathlike pallor, or tinted with the ethnically appropriate pantone to give skin that healthy "recently dead" glow.
Step Eight: Time to drain the blood! Now we're cooking! In olden days, the mortician would insert the needle in the armpit or groin. You can also use the neck. You need to stick two tubes into the corpse, one to drain the blood and the other to add the embalming fluid, which is a formaldehyde-based solution. You'll need a special pump to propel this process along.
Step Nine: Add two to four gallons, or until the corpse is full. If the circulatory system is clogged due to clotting or otherwise damaged due to the means of death, repeat the above procedure using other needle points.
Step Ten: Pour the blood down the drain.or drink it.either way
Step 11: Stick a long needle into the belly, pump out any fluid within, then pump the body cavities full of embalming fluid.
Step 12: Stitch any remaining openings closed, and wash the body with soap and water. Shave any visible facial hair that's not supposed to be there. (Contrary to popular rumor, hair doesn't continue to grow after death, but your skin shrinks, exposing more of the follicle.)
Step 13: Dress the corpse. Again, if you're a respectable mortician, keep in mind that you should put pants and underwear on the corpse, even if they're having a half-casket viewing. Apply make-up to the corpse to give it a vaguely lifelike appearance, or at least an "exhibit at the wax museum" appearance.
Step 14: Do not under any circumstances perform steps one through 13 unless you're a licensed mortician. What, did you think we're a bunch of barbarians? For God's sake! am i the last mewling voice of civilization in a world gone mad!
~Moloko
